My last week visit to Bangalore and the incidents during the fun shopping day with my cousin made me think the below.
My cousin’s 4-year-old son walks into shops and asks for new toys and a series of yes/no/maybe’s and negotiations start .Trouble brews when the child doesn’t budge from the demand which is followed by crying/ being sad/not eating food and not showing interest in other activities till the demand is met. I saw both parents becoming sad and helpless and going back to meet the demand and telling him that all that they want is to “keep him happy“!
The whole incident made me wonder – what is parenting all about? Is it making sure that our child is happy all the time??? When enquired with parents ,most of them replied,”We want our children to be happy”.
To think of it, is it even possible to keep our children happy all the time??? We can get them what they want now to to keep them protected and happy, but what about after and much later in life???
As grownups we definitely feel different emotions throughout the day in different situations and with people . For a child, it is the same too!
Once we accept that we can’t make our child feel happy (or any other emotion for that matter), we will be less inclined to try to “fix” their feelings—and more likely to step back and allow them to develop the coping skills and resilience which they need to bounce back from life’s inevitable setbacks. Parents who feel responsible for their kids’ emotions have great difficulty in allowing their children to experience anger, sadness, or frustration. They swoop in immediately to give them whatever they think will bring a smile or to solve whatever is causing distress. Unfortunately, these children will never learn to deal with their negative emotions and are in danger of being crushed when they are in adolescence and adulthood. As parents, we have to understand that no child can be kept happy an entire day. All we have to do is to make sure that when the child undergoes different emotions, we are there to unconditionally support them, help them to navigate it smoothly.
Big emotions can make life a little difficult for little kids unless they learn how to engage in emotion regulation. As parents we need to make sure that our kids can identify and name their feelings when they feel it. Few things that I feel that parents can help everyday when children go through big emotions;
Model healthy ways to deal with uncomfortable emotions : They are watching our words and action when we are angry ,sad or tired.
Show Acceptance : We may not understand why the child feels the way they do, but it helps them tremendously when we acknowledge it and talk about it.
Talk about it : Share what you feel/felt in some situations and make them understand that emotions are fleeting and not ever lasting
Teach Emotional Regulation Techniques:
Deep breathing and relaxing
Counting to calm down
Asking them to take a break, to be with themselves for a little while
Music/art/craft
Take a walk with them and chat about what happened
They can even write or draw about it
Playing outdoors – connecting with peer or Nature
We will have to work with our children on their emotions throughout their entire childhood, including the teen years. And its important to connect through mindful conversations about how to handle emotions the healthy way. A little extra support and and patience from us must be all they need to learn how to manage their emotions adequately. The whole process isn’t a quick-fix and can get overwhelming at times, but the work we put into it can benefit your child for a lifetime.
Article written by Deepa Aravind, Co-Founder, Holistic Education and Adaptive Learning(HEAL) Foundation
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