The Teen Brain

What’s wrong with these teenagers???

Oh God! Dealing with them is so tough and exhausting. What they will do with their lives???. We were not like this…we used to be …blah blah blah……..

Dear Adults, HOLD ON!!! Let’s get few facts right before we proceed further!

1. Our times were different! Things have changed.( A LOT)

2. We willingly brought them into a world of smart phones, social media, instant food, instant gratification, YouTube, Influencers, LGBTQ etc.. ( We never had or heard of these in our times)

3. We have worked hard and are still working hard to give them quality education and good living standards .Hence their starting point in life and their teenage is different than ours. They don’t have to work hard and wait for their needs to get satisfied. (Struggles can’t be made luxurious and we want to see happy children all the time!)

4. Read this one carefully : A teenager brain is still under development. The Prefrontal cortex (logical brain) which is responsible for self-control, critical thinking, decision making, and rationalization continues to develop until the age of 21. So let’s not expect beyond their capability. Generally teenagers operate from Amygdala (emotional brain) and that is why they are impulsive and emotion driven rather than thinking about long term pros and cons.

5. The core human needs of safety, love, belongingness, connection are the same as before , but how they are perceived and executed is changed.

So PAUSE…Recall what we read above and lets think what our teenagers are going through everyday:

1. Physical / Biological – Body and face changes(with racing hormones, firing neurons) and then arises the challenge of acceptance and fitting in as per societal and peer (and home) norms/expectations.

2. Cognitive – Their ability to think changes as they grow. Their brain is continuously structuring and restructuring information to create their individual perspectives (different from parents:)). They want to explore and gather more information about themselves and world around them (may not include parents for now:)).

3. Social and emotional – Identity development, self-concept and self-esteem. Knowing about self, who they are , how they fit in, their own beliefs, way of doing things, what they want from life, freedom etc. This is the most complex and challenging development, both parents and child find difficult to deal with.

Do we know what our teenagers go through in dealing with themselves and our expectations from them?

We are so occupied in designing their future that we miss to see and enjoy a good and capable human being growing in front us.

Didn’t the pandemic teach us a crucial lesson about the far-future-planning ; especially keeping only academics and board exams in sight???

Most of our parenting styles are based on our own beliefs, experiences, way of thinking and perspectives. While we wish to address our own insecurities and fears about our children , we seldom think about what they believe in , experience, think, need / want beyond material things . That’s where the gap lies.

With our fully developed brains and years of experiences, we still get stressed and lost in our day to day lives. We find it difficult to be consistent in our fitness regime and limiting our screen time. So let’s not judge and label our teens for being inconsistent and out of sorts.

So , there is actually nothing wrong with our teenagers. The moment we get down from the parental pedestal and look at our own children as a usual human being in making, we will be able to connect with them at a basic human level with kindness, empathy and compassion which can never go wrong! Let’s grow up first before expecting them to grow up as we wish. Article written by Chaithali Shroff,Co-Founder,HEAL Foundation