Few days ago in one of our SEL classes, we asked our students how good they feel about themselves. They wrote these( verbatim) … “I feel useless”, “I don’t feel good about myself”, “I feel like a piece of trash”!!!
On enquiring why they felt so they responded,(verbatim) “I am not good at studies”, “I never do right in my studies”, “when my parents shouts at me for not finishing homework”. ” I make my parents sad”. Are our mindless thoughts, words and deeds making our children feel so worthless about themselves?? Should academics take away all their pride and joy???
Parents can call it guidance or corrections but many mindless disciplinary and corrective measures irreparably damage or negatively impact a child’s self-esteem
As a parent if you are aware of your own emotions in different situations(Self-Awareness) , then it is also your responsibility to manage those emotions well. This not only helps in bettering your rapport with your child and in their long term behavior management but also stops adding more damage to their growing minds, their confidence and self esteem.
“Self-Management is NOT about controlling/suppressing our emotions.It is but recognizing, acknowledging, understanding and managing emotions.”
While we want our children to be perfect and be their best , let’s understand few facts before we ruthlessly push our children everyday to perform inside and outside school.
Every child’s development and growth is unique– As parents, we need KNOW our child’s abilities and challenges and set realistic and achievable goals. Appreciate their effort and progress no matter how small it is!
Children do not study if you punish or shout at them: We need to help them understand why they need education and routine. We need to support them in making it interesting for them.It is not about mugging up paragraphs, but it is about how they train their mind to process this information. Focus on the process of learning! Conversations everyday.
Multiple intelligences in children: There are 9 types of intelligences and none of us have all 9 at its best. Let’s accept our children’s strengths and weaknesses before expecting them to perform well in all subjects. Expecting something beyond their capabilities will make them lose interest in studies or any activities. There is so much more to learn in life beyond Math’s and Science!
HOME ,for children, is the primary and most important source of self-esteem, unconditional love and support. In any situation let’s ask ourselves, “How did I make my child feel?” and ask them “how good do you feel about yourself?
”Our Children are not the reasons of our emotional outbursts ; our own needs and expectations are. But it affects our children deeply in many dimensions. Let’s manage our emotions first so that our children learn to manage theirs. Let’s model self-management skill at home.
Recollecting our example from the previous self-awareness blog (https://www.healfoundation.co.in/post/itallbegins-here) to understand how self-management can help to address the situation calmly and effectively.
Scenario:
Our teenagers keeps forgetting the tasks we give them and we get angry and worked up.
Our Reaction: (Yelling!) “How many times do I have to remind you? You keep forgetting things. When will learn?”
Our Mindful Response(with a knowledge that their brains aren’t fully grown like ours) (Managing anger…communicating calmly and firmly…) “Hey! please finish this right away before we forget…I am sure you can find a way to remember this task and complete on time . Let me know if I can help you in anyway to remember. “
PAUSE…RESPOND. Self-management helps us to focus on the problem rather than the person.
Written by Ms. Chaitali Shroff and Capt. Lekshmy Natarajan (Retd), co-founders of HEAL Foundation
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